August 21, 2008

• Survival Tips

  Yesterday was the big three years. Yes folks, I’ve lived day by day with my husband and haven’t killed him yet. Last weekend in a furniture shop, a woman stopped me and told me she and her husband  had been together for 60 years.
  She sweetly said, “Compromise is half the battle.”
  I smiled and said, “I suppose compromise is slightly better than strangling them.” She nodded with a devilish grin on her face.
   No offense single dudes,  but when you and your girl get married, you’re from two different lifestyles, two different upbringings. So yeah, it’s not big deal that you want to eat your dinner on the couch in front of the boob tube. (Although you’d better not be watching boobs during dinner.) She however, will probably want to eat at a special invention called a table once in awhile. Now when you get invited to eat dinner at this so-called table with her, note that she’s probably going to want to talk to you.
   *Oh crap*

  

  You’re not in trouble. She just wants to hear about your day. This doesn’t mean you say, “It was fine.” It means all the meaningless crap that happened, (you stubbed your toe, almost bumped into Bob,  didn’t get tomato on your sandwich when you SPECIFICALLY asked for some) she’s gonna want to know all that. I know, I know, you didn’t even care enough to remember it, but she’ll appreciate you recounting the stupid details of your day. More than anything, she likes hearing your voice.
  *Oh Okay*

  

  Another thing that can get you brownie points: Remember something stupid about her day. Kevin James made reference to this on his stand up routine. 
  Female: “You wanna know what I’m thinking about? Do you remember the other day at  my sister’s house? Do you remember what you did?”
  You pause for a second  to add a slight dramatic flair.
  Male: “At your sister’s house when you had that blue top on? And those little butterfly clips in your hair? That was pretty. “
  No matter what she was going to say, you’ve instantly won. You are a king. All because you took the time to remember  a silly detail or two.
   One other desperately important thing to remember.
  During her once a month time:
  1. You are always wrong.
  2. You will remain silent.
  3. The TV will stay on whatever channel she wants it on.
  4. You will not argue with ANYTHING.
  Not all women experience such strong reactions during this  time period, but it’s really not worth the risk.

   These are only a few tips in a LONG line of good ideas to keep with you when you’re dating or married to someone.
  Thank you, my beloved husband, for surviving three looooong years with me. Here’s to 100 more. (if you’re lucky.) I love you.

  • 2:25 pm
  • 20 Comments