September 5, 2008

• Story of EPIC Proportions

        I’ve been randomly selected by the draft to write a story using an odd selection of five words. (By draft, I mean my dear friend AvenuetotheReal.)
  So here are my words: John McCain, Time-traveling warrior, nacho cheese, invisible, winRAR

   And here’s my odd story. (Enjoy the break from my pro-life political screeching.)

  So John McCain was hanging out on the campaign trail one day when he was suddenly attacked by ninjas.

  “Damnit…” He whispered under his breath. He’d expected them to return someday, but not so soon after his last full out assault.   Little did they know that this time around, things would be different. Yes, the 72-year-old man had been taking lessons from fellow Republican, Chuck Norris. McCain pushed his technologically inclined watch, (borrowed from Chuck Norris, only to be used in DIRE need) which instantly transformed into  a bow-staff.
   
    Twirling the staff around his fingers, he made the “bring it” hand motion towards the ninjas. The first ninja leapt through the air but ended up hanging himself by the neck on powerlines. The ninja leader smacked his forhead whispering, “Dumbass…” under his breath and pushed a button on his equally cool watch. Suddenly, time was in rewind and the first dumbass ninja was no longer hanging from a power line, but glaring at McCain’s “Bring it.” signal.
   
  McCain’s  eyebrows got whiter with shock. These were no ordinary ninjas. These were time traveling warrior ninjas.

   Before McCain knew what was happening, Joe Biden appeared  beside him and attempted to attack the ninjas,(because regardless of politics, everyone hates time traveling warrior ninjas.) but all he knew was Tae Kwon Do.
  That never hurts anyone.
  
   Obama appeared and was attempting to talk to the ninjas without preconditions. But you can’t talk to a ninja.
  

  McCain’s vision squared off with the leader of the ninjas.  In an intense staring competition, the ninja blinked first. McCain  started to do a victory dance, but only a moment too soon. As McCain broke into his rendition of the macarena, the ninja leader’s equally cool wrist-watch suddenly turned their gang invisible.

  “Damnit John!” He thought to himself. “You *know* not to do the victory dance after a touchdown. Wait till the locker rooms.” But it was too late. Invisible punches and kicks were landing all over his body.  A light bulb went off in his head. He had one more trick up his sleeve.

  The very… last… button… on his super cool Norris-given wrist watch.. He pressed it.

  NACHO CHEESE SPEWED EVERYWHERE!
  
  “BWAHAHAHA!” McCain roared. “You ninjas might be invisible, but now you’re all CHEESY!”
  The invisible cheese covered ninjas scarmbled to  wipe it from their eyes,their hats, their shoulders, etc,  but roundhouse kicks were planted to their faces. One by one, they were knocked out of the ballpark. When the last one flew, McCain waited… waited… waited.. and did the macarena.
  
  Then, to let all of the ass-kicking superheroes in the world be notified of his victory, he let out a mighty yell, “WINRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!”
  (which is actually a popular compression software, available only at http://www.win-rar.com )

  It’s a real shame that all of this happened before Sarah Palin was nominated as VP. She’s a friggin lipstick-wearing bulldog. She’d have eaten them instantly- with or without the nacho cheese.

  END

   Okay, so my turn to pick people, right?
  IRONSTOVE, PHILIPPIANSTHREE14, VIKTORIOUS1, IKNOWHIMDOU,JAMES3_1
  I CHOOSE YOU!!!!
  Iron: Smurfs, Dessert, Lampshade, Xbox360, radio star
  PhilippiansThree14: Speakers, envelopes, Zorro, rescue, Italian
  Vik: Princess Sleepyhead, Dancing,  Canada, Fan blades, BLECH!
  IknowHimdoU: Horse, laxatives, spit, coaster, slimy
  James3_1: Si!, cheese cake, 1950′s musical, laptop, kittens
  Enjoy!

  • 10:53 pm
  • 19 Comments