Month: February 2009

  • Cal Ripken President By Ann Coulter

    As Obama prepared to deliver his address to Congress on Tuesday, the Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, Fox News’ Bret Baier and Charles Krauthammer all gushed that history was being made as the first African-American president appeared before Congress.
       
    Even Gov. Bobby Jindal, whom I suppose I should note was the first Indian-American to give the Republican response to a president’s speech, began with an encomium to the first black president. (Wasn’t Bobby great in “Slumdog Millionaire”?)
       
    Are we going to have to hear about this for the next four years? Obama is becoming the Cal Ripken Jr. of presidents, making history every time he suits up for a game. Recently, Obama also became the first African-American president to order a ham sandwich late at night from the White House kitchen! That’s going to get old pretty quick.
    But as long as the nation is obsessed with historic milestones, is no one going to remark on what a great country it is where a mentally retarded woman can become speaker of the house?
       
    Obama spent more than twice as much time in his historic speech genuflecting to the teachers’ unions than talking about terrorism, Iraq or Afghanistan. So it was historic only in the sense that Obama is the first African-American president, but was the same old Democratic claptrap in every other respect.
       
    After claiming that the disastrous stimulus bill would create or save 3.5 million jobs — “more than 90 percent” in the private sector — Obama then enumerated a long list of exclusively government jobs that would be “saved.”
       
    He was suspiciously verbose about saving the jobs of public schoolteachers. Because nothing says “economic stimulus” better than saving the jobs of lethargic incompetents who kick off at 2 p.m. every day and get summers off. Actually, that’s not fair: Some teachers spend long hours after school having sex with their students.
       
    As with the Clintons, Obama so earnestly believes in public school education that he sends his girls to … an expensive private school. He demands that taxpayers support the very public schoolteachers he won’t trust with his own children.
       
    It is one thing to tell voters that school choice is wrong, because, you know, the public schools won’t get better unless Americans sacrifice their children to the teachers’ union’s maw. But it is quite another for Democrats to feed their own kids to the union incinerator.

    Consequently, no Democrat since Jimmy Carter has been stupid enough to send his own children to a public school.
       
    And yet the stimulus bill expressly prohibits money earmarked for “education” to be spent on financial aid at private or parochial schools. Private schools might use it for some nefarious purpose like actually teaching their students, rather than indoctrinating them in anti-American propaganda.
       
    The stimulus bill includes about $100 billion to education. By “education,” Democrats don’t mean anything a normal person would think of as education, such as learning how to talk good. “Education” means creating lots of useless bureaucratic jobs, mostly in Washington, having nothing to do with teaching.
       
    Apparently, nothing irritates public schoolteachers more than being asked to teach. While 80 percent of the employees of private schools are teachers, only half the employees of public schools are. The rest are “coordinating,” “facilitating” or “empowering” something or other.
       
    The Department of Education alone provides more than 4,000 jobs that haven’t the faintest connection with teaching. And now the stimulus bill will double the Education Department’s funding. (For those of you who went to a public school, that means it will become twice as big.)
       
    We’ve come a long way from Ronald Reagan promising to eliminate the Education Department, which itself was a Jimmy Carter sop to the teachers’ unions.
       
    Federal meddling in education has been an abject failure, so the Democrats’ plan is to keep doing more of the same. If only there were some aphorism about people who fail to learn from history — oh, well!
       
    It can’t be easy to reduce the educational achievement in America year after year, but the education establishment has done it! Yes they can!
       
    Thanks to the hard work of thousands of government workers at the Department of Education and well-paid teachers’ union employees, American schoolchildren perform worse on education tests for every year they spend in a public school.
       
    It turns out that being in U.S. public schools has the same effect on people as hanging around Paris Hilton does.
       
    In fourth grade, the earliest grade for which international comparisons are available, American students outperform most other countries in reading, math and science. Fourth-graders score in the 92nd percentile in science, the 58th percentile in math and the 70th percentile in reading, where they beat 26 of 35 countries, including Germany, France and Italy.
       
    But by the eighth grade, American students are only midrange in international comparisons. (On the plus side, by the eighth grade they’re noticeably fatter.)
       
    By the 12th grade — after receiving the full benefits of an American education — Americans are near the bottom. Let X represent the number of years spent in U.S. public schools, and Y represent average test scores in math and reading — oh, never mind.
       
    With an additional eight years of a public school education under their belts, Americans fall from the 92nd percentile in science to the 29th percentile. While American fourth-graders are bested only by South Korea and Japan in science, by 12th grade, the only countries the American students can beat are Lithuania, Cyprus and South Africa.
       
    Which suggests that if public education were extended all the way through college, by the time a student gets to graduate school he might very well be qualified to be … speaker of the house!


    http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=30860&s=rcmp

  • COFFEE!!!!!!

    Coffee. Oh glorious fount of morning life. You make my day begin. It’s nighttime now, but I can smell you because I’ve just set up my pot for tomorrow morning. You make me eager to arise and indulge in your succulent flavor.
    Unless your name is Foldgers. Then you JUST PLAIN SUCK. You taste like burned ass. Stop existing!

    My grandma is doing fantastically now. She was moved to a special rehab hospital unit on Friday  and is going to start physical therapy. If things continue to go so well, she could be home in a week and a half. 

    As I’m writing this, I’m having some pretty strong Braxton-Hicks contractions. Maybe by the time my grandma comes home, I’ll be having a baby. If so, someone will update you all.

    Until then, it’s late and my coffee is waiting for me to fall asleep so I can have it in the morning.
    Dunkin Donuts is the best coffee, but my dear, cheap MJB is a close second.

    What’s your favorite?

    Is it me? Don’t lie. It is.

  • Business Cards and Babies

    So yesterday I had this big meeting with one of my supervisors and the local newspaper. I’d come up with an idea that could help the community to be more aware of crime occurring in their area: a weekly crime map. Does that person over there look suspicious? Perhaps you should call it in- there has been a rash of vehicle burglaries in your area according to the weekly crime map. I already provide this information  to the officers on a weekly basis. So I thought we could give a (watered down) version to the public.
    It seems these days that everyone wants the government to take care of them without wanting to take any personal responsibility. (sound familiar? Like federal government? ) So now, people have no excuse for being unaware of their surroundings. With our new programs that I’m developing,  we have a broader way of helping the public protect themselves. Sounds boring right? Not to me. My officemate thinks I’m the biggest justice nerd he’s ever met. (I didn’t tell him I wanted to be  Batman when I grew up. It would give away my secret identity.)
    Anyhow, my point to this story is, my supervisor was so impressed with my performance for the newspaper monkeys that he told me he’d start challenging me with bigger projects, more directly related to city council… and I get my own BUSINESS CARD!!!!!
    MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
    These aren’t cheapo-imitation crab meat cards that you print off your desktop with card stock. Heck no. These are being offered through a real company. They’ll have my name with “Crime Analyst” emblazened underneath.
    How cool am I? Well.. not very… but you can’t tell that from my BUSINESS CARD!
     Stupid to get excited about, I know. But I’ve only been back with the police department for three months and it feels like I’m making progress. It’s a great feeling to be at a job you love and know they kinda like you back.

    Meanwhile, the baby and I had a dr’s appointment today. She’s still in there. The doc felt confident enough to make an appointment for next week. He said he was sure he’d be seeing me. So no baby yet. That’s fine. It’s rodeo weekend and I’m going to the fairgrounds to get me a funnel cake and a jumbo turkey leg. Maybe I can even convince the kids to go on a pony ride or something. Am I too pregnant to ride the mechanical bull?
     

    Congratulations — your baby is full term! This means that if your baby arrives now, her lungs should be fully mature and ready to adjust to life outside the womb, even though your due date is still three weeks away.

    Your baby weighs close to 7 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don’t be surprised if your baby’s hair isn’t the same color as yours. Dark-haired couples are sometimes thrown for a loop when their children come out as blonds or redheads, and fair-haired couples have been surprised by Elvis look-alikes. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

    PS, want a good read? Check out the ever clever, conservative friendly Sword and Sacrifice’s site.

  • Good Morning Barf Face

    I awoke this morning to the chipper sounds of my two year old vommitting in her bed. The first thought in my head was, “HAHA! I’m not the stay-at-home parent anymore, DEREK IS!!!”
    I happily booted his ass out of the covers to attend to the sick child and rolled back over. The clock said I had thirty more minutes of sleep. Sweet.
     
    *eyes closed*
     
     
     
     
    *eyes closed*
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
    *eyes still closed*
     
     
     
     
     
     
    Nope, I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep. Crap.
    I guess it’s part of being a mom.  My baby was crying and her daddy was turning green so I got up to help.  I bathed the poor shivering girl to get the vomit out of her hair. Five years ago if I was saying the same sentence, this would have been a hilarious hangover morning filled with pizza and “hair of the dog” beers.
    But no.
    Baby = instamom-mode
    Which means all seemingly cool stories will inevitably end with “Then I gave her the little pink bunny and sent her back to bed.”
     
    Derek had an interview first thing this morning to be an animal shelter assistant. Not because we need the money (my job more than covers the bills) but because he thought it would rock to hang out with puppies and fluffy things all day. (And we have a big enough back yard to accomodate anything he brought home.) Last night out of the blue he asks, “Honey, do you think I should take a job?”
    Odd. This is the perfect job that you would love and you can do it for fun not for bills. Why would anyone ask if they *shouldn’t* take it?
    “You’re about to have the baby,” he said, “And I really feel  like something’s telling me this isn’t the right path for me to take. I feel like I should be at home with the kids and going to school online full time until my degree is completed.”
    “Well, honey if you pray that God will lead you, He will.”
    And He did.
    Vomit-filled mornings make no time for getting dressed for interviews.
    Don’t ask God for a sign, He’ll puke the answer all over your plans so there’s no way to miss it.
     
    My grandma is still in the hospital for those of you who know about it. Hopefully today will go well and she can get off the breathing machine. She’s been in for the past 8 days, so keep her in your prayers.
     
    36 Weeks Baby Update
     
     


    How your baby’s growing:

    Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She’s shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement.

    At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she’s in a head-down position. But if she isn’t, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an “external cephalic version,” which is a fancy way of saying she’ll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

  • Life in the HUGE lane

    Scene: Detective is coming down the stairwell of the police department and almost collides with the world’s largest pregnant Crime Analyst.
    Detective: “Holy crap, you’re looking pregnant!”
    Me: “Wow sir, you noticed? Nothing get’s past our top investigator does it?”

    It’s a damn good thing I have a sense of humor. Fortunately, so does he. I was surprised at my work situation: police men are typically not the most sensitive of women’s feelings, but in the past three months of work, the men have really responded kindly. I knew the women would. All the women officers I know are as tough as nails on their suspects and sweet as can be to me.  But the men? One of the head detectives gave me his parking spot so I can be closer to the door from my car. Who knew there was gentlemen hiding underneath those badges?
    Enough about the mushy crap,  I’ve enjoyed the hell out of giving them heart attacks.

    They frequently like to yank my chain about everything and play pranks on me to get a rise out of the new girl.
    My favorite response is to grab my belly and go, “Oh God!” with all the panic I can muster.
    Two of the supervisors have banned me from their office for fear that I’ll “Go into labor all over the place.”
    I’ve serioiusly pouring a glass of water all over the floor from behind me, claiming my water has broken.  Cheesy? Yes. But SO WORTH IT Any other pregnant pranks you can think of?
     Speaking of labor, I really thought yesterday would have brought on early labor. I went to the ER in the early hours of the morning- my grandma went into respiratory arrest.
    between scrambling back and forth from hospital to police department and trying to get my Compstat presentation completed for today, I had my first all-day set of Braxton Hicks. I was begging the baby not to come yet. It’s not that I don’t want to see her, but last weekend, I discovered that all of the girl newborn clothing I’d saved from Caity was lost in the flood of epic proportions last June. I still need a little extra time to accumulate pink squishy things for her to wear.
    Okay, a little selfish of me, but it worked. She’s still in there. I WIN!


    35 weeks
    Your baby doesn’t have much room to maneuver now that she’s over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/2 pounds (pick up a honeydew melon). Because it’s so snug in your womb, she isn’t likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times she kicks should remain about the same. Her kidneys are fully developed now, and her liver can process some waste products. Most of her basic physical development is now complete — she’ll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.