I awoke this morning to the chipper sounds of my two year old vommitting in her bed. The first thought in my head was, “HAHA! I’m not the stay-at-home parent anymore, DEREK IS!!!”
I happily booted his ass out of the covers to attend to the sick child and rolled back over. The clock said I had thirty more minutes of sleep. Sweet.
 
*eyes closed*
 
 
 
 
*eyes closed*
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*eyes still closed*
 
 
 
 
 
 
Nope, I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep. Crap.
I guess it’s part of being a mom.  My baby was crying and her daddy was turning green so I got up to help.  I bathed the poor shivering girl to get the vomit out of her hair. Five years ago if I was saying the same sentence, this would have been a hilarious hangover morning filled with pizza and “hair of the dog” beers.
But no.
Baby = instamom-mode
Which means all seemingly cool stories will inevitably end with “Then I gave her the little pink bunny and sent her back to bed.”
 
Derek had an interview first thing this morning to be an animal shelter assistant. Not because we need the money (my job more than covers the bills) but because he thought it would rock to hang out with puppies and fluffy things all day. (And we have a big enough back yard to accomodate anything he brought home.) Last night out of the blue he asks, “Honey, do you think I should take a job?”
Odd. This is the perfect job that you would love and you can do it for fun not for bills. Why would anyone ask if they *shouldn’t* take it?
“You’re about to have the baby,” he said, “And I really feel  like something’s telling me this isn’t the right path for me to take. I feel like I should be at home with the kids and going to school online full time until my degree is completed.”
“Well, honey if you pray that God will lead you, He will.”
And He did.
Vomit-filled mornings make no time for getting dressed for interviews.
Don’t ask God for a sign, He’ll puke the answer all over your plans so there’s no way to miss it.
 
My grandma is still in the hospital for those of you who know about it. Hopefully today will go well and she can get off the breathing machine. She’s been in for the past 8 days, so keep her in your prayers.
 
36 Weeks Baby Update
 
 

How your baby’s growing:

Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She’s shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement.

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she’s in a head-down position. But if she isn’t, your practitioner may suggest scheduling an “external cephalic version,” which is a fancy way of saying she’ll try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

Scene: Detective is coming down the stairwell of the police department and almost collides with the world’s largest pregnant Crime Analyst.
Detective: “Holy crap, you’re looking pregnant!”
Me: “Wow sir, you noticed? Nothing get’s past our top investigator does it?”

It’s a damn good thing I have a sense of humor. Fortunately, so does he. I was surprised at my work situation: police men are typically not the most sensitive of women’s feelings, but in the past three months of work, the men have really responded kindly. I knew the women would. All the women officers I know are as tough as nails on their suspects and sweet as can be to me.  But the men? One of the head detectives gave me his parking spot so I can be closer to the door from my car. Who knew there was gentlemen hiding underneath those badges?
Enough about the mushy crap,  I’ve enjoyed the hell out of giving them heart attacks.

They frequently like to yank my chain about everything and play pranks on me to get a rise out of the new girl.
My favorite response is to grab my belly and go, “Oh God!” with all the panic I can muster.
Two of the supervisors have banned me from their office for fear that I’ll “Go into labor all over the place.”
I’ve serioiusly pouring a glass of water all over the floor from behind me, claiming my water has broken.  Cheesy? Yes. But SO WORTH IT Any other pregnant pranks you can think of?
 Speaking of labor, I really thought yesterday would have brought on early labor. I went to the ER in the early hours of the morning- my grandma went into respiratory arrest.
between scrambling back and forth from hospital to police department and trying to get my Compstat presentation completed for today, I had my first all-day set of Braxton Hicks. I was begging the baby not to come yet. It’s not that I don’t want to see her, but last weekend, I discovered that all of the girl newborn clothing I’d saved from Caity was lost in the flood of epic proportions last June. I still need a little extra time to accumulate pink squishy things for her to wear.
Okay, a little selfish of me, but it worked. She’s still in there. I WIN!

35 weeks
Your baby doesn’t have much room to maneuver now that she’s over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/2 pounds (pick up a honeydew melon). Because it’s so snug in your womb, she isn’t likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times she kicks should remain about the same. Her kidneys are fully developed now, and her liver can process some waste products. Most of her basic physical development is now complete — she’ll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.

I love this town. Tomorrow we’re supposed to have a light icing on the road in the morning…. Nobody has to report to work until 10am, or later.
In Ohio, Derek had to drive for two hours to get to his deployment plane in the middle of a blizzard. (Remember our car accident?) But here, they tell people not to come in when the temperature drops below 25 degrees. I hate cold. I love this town.

 I got the coolest round of “Attaboy’s” during my meeting today with the patrol supervisors, for simply being observant and noticing a crime pattern they hadn’t yet seen. Tomorrow I have an appointment with the detectives division.  I kinda feel like a pregnant Batman. If I could describe more of what I do daily without giving out too much information, I would, so forgive me for being vague. I get to do all the intelligence side of crime fighting without getting to go out and get my hands dirty. Although if I were a sworn personnel member, I might be able to attend some of my analysis work.

Derek’s applied for several of the local colleges and is looking forward to having his education degree within the next two years. It seems like things are really coming together, so why do I feel like something bad could creep up and ruin everything at any minute?
I guess the state of the economy has got me a little spooked since we only have my income right now.

Does the economy or new administration spark hope or fear in your future?

Baby Update 34 Weeks
Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers — which she’ll need to regulate her body temperature once she’s born — are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you’ve been nervous about preterm labor, you’ll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.

Did you notice? Only 49 days left  until this thing comes out of me. Back to da clubs in just 7 weeks and I’ll be looking goooooooooood.

 That’s right. You looked at my sexy post-baby body.

 Derek swears he’s not even going to breathe in the same room around me once the baby is born. Can’t take the risk that I’ll get pregnant again. I’m guessing it’s airborne because I can’t figure out how  these cute little parasites keep ending up inside of me.

 In all seriousness I want to know what she’ll look like. I realize when she first comes out, she’ll look more like a wrinkled tiny Winston Churchill, but after all the “Holy crap, I’m BORN!”-face wears off, I wonder whom she’ll resemble? I keep having odd cravings. Last night it was soy sauce. I called my husband and “ordered” chinese for dinner and played it off by saying “The baby wants it.” You’d be suprised how many things I can get my way with that simple statement.

Today was inauguration day. If you didn’t know this, you live in a small, tiny bubble where the unicorns frolic. Or you’re just dumb. On a positive note, I was really impressed with how sincerely hopeful  people seem. It’s no secret that I’m a skeptic on “Lord Obama’s” abilities.  I really think people  are putting waaaaay too much emphasis on the ability of this man. (besides the fact that congress holds the power and the president is just a political Barbie doll.) However, for the first time in years, people are actually feeling positive- though naive they might be.  Any life coach or psych teacher will tell you that thinking positively is the first step to improving your current position in life. If these people think good things will happen due to Obama’s presidency, then anything that happens in their life that is “good” will be attributed to him and his “change”.  If they believe in the positive possibilities, maybe a positive pandemonium will spread. Anything is better than this past year or two of depressing recession and  sad-sac pathetic news we’ve had. Modern media is DEAD. The baby said so.

 I won’t go as far as Mr. Rush Limbaugh and say “I hope Obama fails” because I think the American people need something to look forward too. We’ve had such destitute times that it’s about time they found something to get excited about. Too bad it’s socialism and abortion-loving Obama, but I hope for the sake of our country that things turn out well. All I can do is pray. On the other side of things, why the hell were people singing the “Nananana, Hey Hey Hey, Good bye!” song to President Bush? I know the rest of the world thinks Americans are @$$holes, but now even *I* am starting to believe it. How friggin rude. I think Bill Clinton is a blue-dress -loving pervert but I’d still respect the man enough to be polite to him should he ever offer me a cigar.

Roe Vs. Wade’s anniversary is on Thursday. Please remember to pray for all the women in the world who are scared and have a choice to make. Pray they choose life.  (the baby wants them to.)

33 Weeks 

This week your baby weighs a little over 4 pounds (heft a pineapple) and has passed the 17-inch mark. He’s rapidly losing that wrinkled, alien look and his skeleton is hardening. The bones in his skull aren’t fused together, which allows them to move and slightly overlap, thus making it easier for him to fit through the birth canal. These bones don’t entirely fuse until early adulthood, so they can grow as his brain and other tissue expands during infancy and childhood.

*On an unrelated note* I’m staying in Dallas again for a few days this week for another training session and I’m starting to wonder if this hotel room is haunted. I keep hearing footsteps right here next to my bed and a few minutes ago, my bag just jumped off the table and onto the floor. The baby doesn’t like that. Maybe Obama will make it better?

 
Drivers on the road at 6:45am are few and far between. However, the few that are out there are CRAZY. He was in a red and grey primered pickup and he cut across several lanes, completely ignoring the stop sign and the blaring of my horn as I nearly collided with his tailgate. Here’s the kicker: He was dressed as a COW.  I kid you not, I almost got into a car accident with a COW. The Cow didn’t even look at me, but his black and white spots and bell necklace were very clear in the beams of my headlights in the early morning  darkness.  My coffee cup flew all over my shift stick and I sat there for a minute bewildered with just one thought on my mind:
“What an asshole Cow!”
 
I’m heading to Dallas today. Pray for my safe arrival and fewer incidences with Cows.

Baby Update: 32 Weeks (55 days till this thing comes out of me.)
 
 
By now, your baby weighs 4 pounds (pick up a large jicama) and is about 16.7 inches long, taking up a lot of space in your uterus. You’re gaining about a pound a week and roughly half of that goes right to your baby. In fact, she’ll gain a third to half of her birth weight during the next 7 weeks as she fattens up for survival outside the womb.
*Side note*- What the HELL is a jicama????

*EDIT UPDATE*

I’m in Dallas. If you are an engineer in the metroplex area, let me offend you for a second. WTF were you THINKING when you designed these roadways?

I ran a toll road because I couldn’t get through the traffic  to  the cash side of it all.  There are six lanes. The cash lane is on the far right. I was on the far left. NO ONE would let me through. Being in a police fleet vehicle, I’m hoping I wasn’t susceptible to pay the toll.  If so, I’m probably fired. The power of driving the fleet vehicle goes to my head. I wanted to turn on the lights and sirens. But again, I’d probably be fired.  

I just discovered I’ve been noted on Spidey’s Xanga. Do you realize that when you ‘re featured  on Spidey’s blog, you’re in?
 I mean, it was pretty well the shiznit to be the first Xangan idol on AvenuetotheReal’s blog. But this is the hugest.  Now in order to achieve total Xanga domination,  I simply have to convince Dan at Theologian’s Cafe to  marry me.  Oh wait… I’m already married. Um.  Maybe he’ll adopt me?

In other world affecting news, this parasite will be out from inside of me in simply 58 more days. Lately she’s been waking me up at night. She get’s the hiccups, get’s pissed and kicks me. As if I could do anything about it. What a punk. She’s also craving onions, then kicks me in the gallbladder and gives me the kind of indigestion that makes fire come out of my throat. It’s an impressive trick at parties, but does not help   with minty fresh breath. 
So I’ve decided the child inside of me is Stewie.

Aside from the all evil activities she performs inside my unknowing belly, she’s wreaking havoc on my pocket book. Do you know how much they charge you to squeeze these little parasites out?!!?  Even after my insurance covers their little portion, I still owe almost $3000.
Chump change, right?
 
So our already super-tight budget just screamed out it’s last dollar.  Go figure, when you’re broke is when you crave fast food EVERY DAMN DAY.  I miss you, chili cheese dogs. Onion rings, I’ll never forget you. To my dearest .99$ cheeseburgers, you were always my love. And last but not least, five count chicken nuggets, you will always be with me. You’re remembered in my heart. When I win the lottery, I’ll return for you.
 
Aside from the baby stuff, I’ll be heading to Dallas this week and most of next week so I’m not sure what my xanga-posting schedule will be like. My new kick-ass job is sending me for training  to several of the larger Police Departments to view their crime analyst procedures. It’s a huge opportunity for me, however- I’ll be away from the babies and husband… Suck.  I kinda like them. The don’t make me crave taco bell bean and cheese burritos with extra onions.
 On the upside, I might get to watch grown-up TV for once while I’m at the hotel. I’m so sick and tired of singing Handy Manny’s theme song.  Mickey Mouse is in my dreams… 

31 Weeks  

Baby update:
This week, your baby measures over 16 inches long. He weighs about 3.5 pounds (try carrying four navel oranges) and is heading into a growth spurt. He can turn his head from side to side, and his arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates underneath his skin. He’s probably moving a lot, too, so you may have trouble sleeping because your baby’s kicks and somersaults keep you up. Take comfort: All this moving is a sign that your baby is active and healthy.

PS, Thanks to my dear Uncle Tim, I have discovered the fantastic talents of Amy Winehouse. She’s apparently more than just a screwed up cocaine addict. Some of the songs I’ve heard from her resemble everything I wanted to be when I grew up: Ella Fitzgerald. I don’t know how I ever imagined some skinny little white girl could become  a world famous black first lady of jazz.  Ms. Winehouse discovered the secret o my dreams and does it well.   I’ve only heard a few of her songs, but so far, everything has been great. As soon as I can afford Taco Bell again, I’ll be purchasing her CD.

Your baby’s about 15.7 inches long now, and she weighs almost 3 pounds (like a head of cabbage). A pint and a half of amniotic fluid surrounds her, but that volume will decrease as she gets bigger and takes up more room in your uterus. Her eyesight continues to develop, though it’s not very keen; even after she’s born, she’ll keep her eyes closed for a good part of the day. When she does open them, she’ll respond to changes in light but will have 20/400 vision — which means she can only make out objects a few inches from her face. (Normal adult vision is 20/20.)

 Snippets of conversations heard around me:
 
“I told someone to take it easy today. He told me if it was easy to take it home.”
 
“Is it mean to ask a pregnant lady, “Are you only being an asshole to me because of the baby inside of you?”
 
 
Conversation:
*phone rings*
“Crime Analysis, this is Amanda.”
“Hello, city auditorium. I need tickets to Willy Wonka for four. How much will that cost?”
“I think you have the wrong number. This is Crime Analysis.”
“Look, I just need a price. I don’t know if I want to purchse them yet. I’ll probably get them at the door.”
“No sir, I don’t have tickets. This is Cri-”
“You couldn’t have already sold out. The show’s not that good.”
“Sir, you have the wrong number. I can give you the number to the Auditor-”
“Look girl, I just wanted a damn ticket price.  You are absolutely no friggin help.”
*click*
Me = still holding phone to my ear, “WTF?!?”
 
So my office mate is hilarious. He always keeps a very serious face on, so when I first met him, I swore he had no sense of humor. However, he’s very much a dead-pan humor guy. Have I mentioned I love my job? Apparently  the city directory  has my number flip flopped with the City Auditorium…. I guess we’re similar, our initials are both C.A. I think that’s pretty close… except that it’s NOTHING ALIKE AT ALL.
 
 
Several of my coworkers are smart aleks. I love it. For secret Santa, I got a Dead Fred pen holder. http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/supplies/a777/ One of the girls seems to duck out of my way every time I walk past her. I want to tell her, “It’s okay, I’m pregnant, I’m not a steam roller. Now get up or I’ll eat you.”
 
Baby update:
I’ve established a doctor on my new insurance plan. He’s awesome. I thought I would be a little more concerned about some strange man having to “work” around my va-jay-jay. However, at the last hospital I gave birth at, I had an OB class come by at *just* the right time. Yep. I had ten students in the room all staring at my  female parts. My va-jay-jay got more attention than Britney Spears’  at a comando party. (which is every party for her.)
I used to be such a nice girl. I used to be such a prude. What happened?
We’re 29 weeks today which means only about ten more weeks. (Although a full pregnancy is 40 weeks, mine are typically always born at least a week in advance.)
 
 
Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you’ll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk. This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby’s hardening skeleton each day

For those of you whom I’ve been neglecting on Xanga, I apologize. Work has me tied up on the computer all day and I’ve felt ZERO desire to type when I get home. We’re 7 months along now, it’s a girl, we’ll probably name her Eryn. Caity  likes Texas but is having issues adjusting to the new house. (She keeps asking me when we can go home.) Aidan likes Caity and anything she’s doing. Aidan does NOT like wearing pants.
 Caity’s been moved 800 times in her life and is doubtful we’ll ever stay in one place for more than a year, so she’s going through “military child” syndrome.  Then on top of it all, we’ll be having a new baby, so her life is going to change all over again.  That makes me a woman with “guilty parent” syndrome.
Derek’s been looking for a job, but hasn’t had much luck  finding anything above the “toilet scrubber” level. He just signed on with PD dispatch which is seemingly a sure thing, but we’re still hoping for more options to come in before then so he won’t have to do shift work. Fortunately, the people there are great so he’ll enjoy it.
 
My job is fantastic. My title is “Crime Analyst” and I’m the only one of my breed at this department. I’ve considered tattooing it across my forehead due to my immense pride in my job…. But then people would look at me funny. Then again, maybe people look at all Crime Analysts funny.  (but no, It’d probably be because of the tattoo.)
 
The new baby (Eryn or Hannah. We’re flopping back and forth) is 28 weeks along and weighs about two and a half pounds. She’ll likely gain another half a pound for every week from now until she’s born. With my luck, that means I’ll likely gain three pounds for every week from now until she’s born.
Even though I’ve not gained nearly as much weight with this pregnancy as I did the other two, my back is still killing me.  Scoliosis is a vicious problem. So when we decide to have more kids, would one of you volunteer to  carry the  child for me? My back and my waistline would thank you.
 
Hope you’re all doing well and email me about the changes in your life. Again, I apologize for my lack of attentiveness in your world.
Love to you,
Amanda